I made time for yoga on Saturday. I could have taken the car in for an oil change, washed all the sheets, gone to the grocery store, and moved the playroom back to it's original location. Instead, all of that took a back seat and I dragged my kids to the yoga studio. Of course I had to bribe them with donuts and unlimited play on iPhone/iTouch for 75 minutes, but a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do.
The class was amazing, as expected. A little over an hour of hard work and sweat and I knew I'd be feeling it the next day. Finally, it was time for Savasana.....my meditation time for that day..... Now typically when I meditate, I focus on my breath and there is no visual. It's just blackness. But as I settled in to my relaxation pose, I see the moon. Ok.... maybe it was the music that was playing. I'll go with you moon. What else is out there? The moon, the night sky, lots of stars. Laying on a white beach near the water. Am I on the island on Lost? Maybe... no one else is around. It's kinda nice. Maybe I'll stay here awhile...........
And then it turns to Sunday. It's completely my fault for overscheduling my own self. All those things that took a backseat on Saturday suddenly needed to all be done by 5 pm. Unfortunately, my happy serene self that I was on Saturday is nowhere to be found. I'm lost in a sea of laundry, groceries, and general house cleaning. And 2 kids that aren't real fond of helping. Or they are sort of helping but not at the break neck pace that I've set for the day. It's absolutely non-stop for hours and hours. At some point, there is yelling and almost crying from all 3 of us in the house. But, we survive. It's 5:30 and our friends are heading over for dinner and the Mavs game. All becomes right with the world and then even better when the Mavs win! I'm too jazzed up that night to settle in for a meditation and I force myself to go to bed at midnight.
I certainly would like to learn how to bring that relaxed and calm self into those frenzied situations and not turn into a complete crazy person. Sunday would have been a much better day for all of us.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
Romanticizing the moment
I think I've worked through my sadness. Like my cousin Erin posted, feelings will start to dissipate once you actually surrender to it. I knew last summer would be the last summer to be home with my kids so I made the very most of it. I tried to enjoy every second of it. But, endings are hard. So, as I came upon my first summer as a working mom, I got very nostalgic of lazy summer days doing just about whatever we wanted. And, didn't we have fun sleeping in and having our weekly 'field trips'?
I do feel like I live in a very 'it is what it is' state of mind, but I notice that I tend to romanticize events in life, that never really turn out like you think they should. Like all the times I plan a family picnic. Do they really turn out as fun as you thought they would? And so I did it again with the last day of school. I don't have many vacation days so I didn't pick this day to take off. Mark and I planned to take the kids to dinner after work to celebrate the beginning of summer and an absolutely fantastic school year. I couldn't wait to get home and see the kids and hear about getting out of school early and the movie they saw with their friends (Thanks Jen!!!) Mark and I planned to meet for dinner at BJ's and get a big ol' Pizookie.
And then I actually picked up my real kids from Jen's house.
Brody immediately asks if Parker can come. Apparently Jen has already told them that they have other plans, but he has to ask again and again and throw in a little whining with it. Once I said no, he's off to pout. No one will put down the itouch/ipad or whatever is mesmerizing them to get up and get their stuff so we can go to dinner. Not to mention that they haven't even said Hello to me. They don't even care that I am there.
Ok...suddenly I'm not so sad anymore. Actual reality sure is different than that picture I had in my head. And by last night, my head felt clearer and it was time to start thinking about what I'm grateful for: We will learn to love the quality of time we spend together, it's not all about quantity. The kids will learn to be a little more responsible. Hopefully! My daughter has seen me be a stay at home mom , a part time working mom and a full time working mom. There is more than one way out there. And whatever decision you make as a mom, no decision has to be a permanent one. The kids will have good memories of their grandparents. I still remember when my grandma stayed with me when I was young. We are so fortunate that my parents can be so involved with our family. And come to think of it, I do remember a lot of whining last summer about having to do chores and hearing "I'm bored" more than I cared to. And there was a lot of "lonely" time in our rooms when we'd had just about enough of each other. So, maybe I over romanticized how awesome last summer was!
I do feel better and I really enjoyed lunch by myself today! Just sitting on a patio in the shade with a breeze and silence was amazing. That was my meditation for today. I've also noticed that once I've spent some time in the quiet, I realize how much constant noise there is. I crave more and more quiet.
And I really really really miss yoga. Not only because I've noticed my clothes getting tighter and tighter in the past few months, but I don't like running outside at 5 am. I don't like going to the dumb gym at 5 am. I'd rather be doing yoga. And trying to find the time to take classes regularly has been very frustrating. During the week, I feel like I should get home every day as soon as possible and the weekends are usually full of activities. In fact, Thursday morning I got up and just did my own yoga class at home. You know, yoga really is like sex. This was great! Why did I wait so long since the last time? But life gets in the way. It's not a priority. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to make it a priority.
I do feel like I live in a very 'it is what it is' state of mind, but I notice that I tend to romanticize events in life, that never really turn out like you think they should. Like all the times I plan a family picnic. Do they really turn out as fun as you thought they would? And so I did it again with the last day of school. I don't have many vacation days so I didn't pick this day to take off. Mark and I planned to take the kids to dinner after work to celebrate the beginning of summer and an absolutely fantastic school year. I couldn't wait to get home and see the kids and hear about getting out of school early and the movie they saw with their friends (Thanks Jen!!!) Mark and I planned to meet for dinner at BJ's and get a big ol' Pizookie.
And then I actually picked up my real kids from Jen's house.
Brody immediately asks if Parker can come. Apparently Jen has already told them that they have other plans, but he has to ask again and again and throw in a little whining with it. Once I said no, he's off to pout. No one will put down the itouch/ipad or whatever is mesmerizing them to get up and get their stuff so we can go to dinner. Not to mention that they haven't even said Hello to me. They don't even care that I am there.
Ok...suddenly I'm not so sad anymore. Actual reality sure is different than that picture I had in my head. And by last night, my head felt clearer and it was time to start thinking about what I'm grateful for: We will learn to love the quality of time we spend together, it's not all about quantity. The kids will learn to be a little more responsible. Hopefully! My daughter has seen me be a stay at home mom , a part time working mom and a full time working mom. There is more than one way out there. And whatever decision you make as a mom, no decision has to be a permanent one. The kids will have good memories of their grandparents. I still remember when my grandma stayed with me when I was young. We are so fortunate that my parents can be so involved with our family. And come to think of it, I do remember a lot of whining last summer about having to do chores and hearing "I'm bored" more than I cared to. And there was a lot of "lonely" time in our rooms when we'd had just about enough of each other. So, maybe I over romanticized how awesome last summer was!
I do feel better and I really enjoyed lunch by myself today! Just sitting on a patio in the shade with a breeze and silence was amazing. That was my meditation for today. I've also noticed that once I've spent some time in the quiet, I realize how much constant noise there is. I crave more and more quiet.
And I really really really miss yoga. Not only because I've noticed my clothes getting tighter and tighter in the past few months, but I don't like running outside at 5 am. I don't like going to the dumb gym at 5 am. I'd rather be doing yoga. And trying to find the time to take classes regularly has been very frustrating. During the week, I feel like I should get home every day as soon as possible and the weekends are usually full of activities. In fact, Thursday morning I got up and just did my own yoga class at home. You know, yoga really is like sex. This was great! Why did I wait so long since the last time? But life gets in the way. It's not a priority. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to make it a priority.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
What I've noticed this week
This is what I know for sure. I am one of those people that lives by the 'it is what it is' philosophy. I don't get too caught up in whatever emotion is tied to a situation that I can't do anything about. If this situation can't change, why cry about it, or get mad about it, or brood over it? It is what it is.
But, after a week with just 5 minutes a day to just sit and breathe and check back in with myself......I'm sad. Is it anyone's fault? No. Can anyone really fix it? Nope. Is anything going to change? Not at all.
I could change my perspective. I could find the blessings in my life. I could realize that it could be a lot worse. I could. But today, I've decided I'm just going to be sad. And I'm gonna just sit with that for more than a minute. And see what happens.
But, after a week with just 5 minutes a day to just sit and breathe and check back in with myself......I'm sad. Is it anyone's fault? No. Can anyone really fix it? Nope. Is anything going to change? Not at all.
I could change my perspective. I could find the blessings in my life. I could realize that it could be a lot worse. I could. But today, I've decided I'm just going to be sad. And I'm gonna just sit with that for more than a minute. And see what happens.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Week One
I planned to start writing this blog on Day 1 when I started, but it's actually taken a week to get to it. Just like with so many other things in my life these days. I used to reserve an afternoon to catch up on laundry and now it's an after thought before I leave in the morning or head to bed at night. And it's usually because someone has to have something clean the very next day.
I have to say that first night of carving out 5 minutes - that's my big starting point! - 5 minutes was the best 5 minutes of my day. I remembered how to breathe. I felt expansiveness instead of constricted. It was beautiful. And I think I actually meditated for about 7 - 8 minutes. This is going to be great.
Except that I decide to try to meditate at different times throughout the week. First thing in the morning after a quick run in the neighborhood. Too keyed up. Need to get the day started. Sitting at the airport at lunch. Nice, but too hot, so all I thought about was how it was too hot and that I was going to smell like 'outside' when I got back to work. Tried a couple of times at bedtime, in bed, head on pillow. Out like a light. I planned to meditate last night when I got ready for bed but couldn't settle in. I found myself very agitated about that.
So, I need to find a place that is my own. A place that I go where no one else is invited and knows they need to leave me alone if they know what's good for them! I probably won't get to that until this weekend. Until then, meditating in my car at lunch is working out ok although it's a waste of gas. I guess that depends on who you are asking.
I have to say that first night of carving out 5 minutes - that's my big starting point! - 5 minutes was the best 5 minutes of my day. I remembered how to breathe. I felt expansiveness instead of constricted. It was beautiful. And I think I actually meditated for about 7 - 8 minutes. This is going to be great.
Except that I decide to try to meditate at different times throughout the week. First thing in the morning after a quick run in the neighborhood. Too keyed up. Need to get the day started. Sitting at the airport at lunch. Nice, but too hot, so all I thought about was how it was too hot and that I was going to smell like 'outside' when I got back to work. Tried a couple of times at bedtime, in bed, head on pillow. Out like a light. I planned to meditate last night when I got ready for bed but couldn't settle in. I found myself very agitated about that.
So, I need to find a place that is my own. A place that I go where no one else is invited and knows they need to leave me alone if they know what's good for them! I probably won't get to that until this weekend. Until then, meditating in my car at lunch is working out ok although it's a waste of gas. I guess that depends on who you are asking.
The beginning...........
So I made the big leap back to the workforce in September 2010. My kids were 9 and 7, old enough to understand that it was time for things to change. It was a financial struggle to stay home for the years that I did, but I would never have done it any differently. I certainly didn't have any sort of internal struggle transitioning from work front to the home front. I mean, don't get me wrong, there were hard days. Days where I didn't find a moment to shower. Days where I thought I would lose my mind if I watched Dora the Explorer one more time. Days where I swore I'd be an alcoholic by the end of the week with a 4 year old and stubborn 1 year old. But, I always kept the perspective that whatever we were going through would be short lived. I would persevere through the difficult moments and I really actually told myself to enjoy whatever morsel of happiness I could find. Even if that was only for a moment. So, I was ready to go back to work. And not so ready to go back to work.
It took longer than I thought to find a job. That was discouraging. I had a degree! I had worked in the HR field for 9 years! I did some stuff. I was a good worker. But, all that was over 9 years ago. Ancient. In the meantime, I was really sweating it out about what the kids were going to do after school. I didn't envision them riding a bus to day care every day. Amazingly, while I was job searching, my mom was laid off from her job and made the decision to retire. Score! Babysitter taken care of and I couldn't have asked for a better arrangement.
I finally found a great job in September. Just after the kids started school. Finances were continuing to be drained, so again, Thank You God for this job coming through. The initial transition wasn't so difficult. The whole family rolled into a pretty good routine. We (or maybe I) made it through the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday weeks as well as Spring Break pretty well. Now we are about to roll into summer. I'm not having an easy time with this one. The smaller the number of school days get on the calendar, the more anxious I become. Will the kids be fine? Of course they will! Will they even miss me? Probably but they will be busy and I doubt they will be sitting around the house crying for me to come home. Of course they will be fine.
But me? I do best when I don't think about it. Yet, we are down to 1 1/2 days of school and now I just can't NOT think about it. Summer is really only 10 weeks. We are taking a family vacation in that time. I'll get a 3 day weekend with the 4th of July. But, still. Still.
So, I decided a week ago to try a 30 days of meditation to get myself straight. I'm not in any mood to try to figure out how to work from home or anything like that. I've been dreaming up stuff for 9 years and haven't stuck with any of it. It's not really me. If I have to work, I'd just rather have a job that I leave at 5pm, not one that follows me around as much as the laundry does.
This blog will be a journey of my 30 days. Did I stick with it? That will be the question. I'm not so good at sticking with most of the hair brained ideas that I've had in the past. I'm hoping that answers come, peace is found with the situation and maybe I learn some stuff on the way. You're welcome to come along with me.
It took longer than I thought to find a job. That was discouraging. I had a degree! I had worked in the HR field for 9 years! I did some stuff. I was a good worker. But, all that was over 9 years ago. Ancient. In the meantime, I was really sweating it out about what the kids were going to do after school. I didn't envision them riding a bus to day care every day. Amazingly, while I was job searching, my mom was laid off from her job and made the decision to retire. Score! Babysitter taken care of and I couldn't have asked for a better arrangement.
I finally found a great job in September. Just after the kids started school. Finances were continuing to be drained, so again, Thank You God for this job coming through. The initial transition wasn't so difficult. The whole family rolled into a pretty good routine. We (or maybe I) made it through the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday weeks as well as Spring Break pretty well. Now we are about to roll into summer. I'm not having an easy time with this one. The smaller the number of school days get on the calendar, the more anxious I become. Will the kids be fine? Of course they will! Will they even miss me? Probably but they will be busy and I doubt they will be sitting around the house crying for me to come home. Of course they will be fine.
But me? I do best when I don't think about it. Yet, we are down to 1 1/2 days of school and now I just can't NOT think about it. Summer is really only 10 weeks. We are taking a family vacation in that time. I'll get a 3 day weekend with the 4th of July. But, still. Still.
So, I decided a week ago to try a 30 days of meditation to get myself straight. I'm not in any mood to try to figure out how to work from home or anything like that. I've been dreaming up stuff for 9 years and haven't stuck with any of it. It's not really me. If I have to work, I'd just rather have a job that I leave at 5pm, not one that follows me around as much as the laundry does.
This blog will be a journey of my 30 days. Did I stick with it? That will be the question. I'm not so good at sticking with most of the hair brained ideas that I've had in the past. I'm hoping that answers come, peace is found with the situation and maybe I learn some stuff on the way. You're welcome to come along with me.
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