So I made the big leap back to the workforce in September 2010. My kids were 9 and 7, old enough to understand that it was time for things to change. It was a financial struggle to stay home for the years that I did, but I would never have done it any differently. I certainly didn't have any sort of internal struggle transitioning from work front to the home front. I mean, don't get me wrong, there were hard days. Days where I didn't find a moment to shower. Days where I thought I would lose my mind if I watched Dora the Explorer one more time. Days where I swore I'd be an alcoholic by the end of the week with a 4 year old and stubborn 1 year old. But, I always kept the perspective that whatever we were going through would be short lived. I would persevere through the difficult moments and I really actually told myself to enjoy whatever morsel of happiness I could find. Even if that was only for a moment. So, I was ready to go back to work. And not so ready to go back to work.
It took longer than I thought to find a job. That was discouraging. I had a degree! I had worked in the HR field for 9 years! I did some stuff. I was a good worker. But, all that was over 9 years ago. Ancient. In the meantime, I was really sweating it out about what the kids were going to do after school. I didn't envision them riding a bus to day care every day. Amazingly, while I was job searching, my mom was laid off from her job and made the decision to retire. Score! Babysitter taken care of and I couldn't have asked for a better arrangement.
I finally found a great job in September. Just after the kids started school. Finances were continuing to be drained, so again, Thank You God for this job coming through. The initial transition wasn't so difficult. The whole family rolled into a pretty good routine. We (or maybe I) made it through the first Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday weeks as well as Spring Break pretty well. Now we are about to roll into summer. I'm not having an easy time with this one. The smaller the number of school days get on the calendar, the more anxious I become. Will the kids be fine? Of course they will! Will they even miss me? Probably but they will be busy and I doubt they will be sitting around the house crying for me to come home. Of course they will be fine.
But me? I do best when I don't think about it. Yet, we are down to 1 1/2 days of school and now I just can't NOT think about it. Summer is really only 10 weeks. We are taking a family vacation in that time. I'll get a 3 day weekend with the 4th of July. But, still. Still.
So, I decided a week ago to try a 30 days of meditation to get myself straight. I'm not in any mood to try to figure out how to work from home or anything like that. I've been dreaming up stuff for 9 years and haven't stuck with any of it. It's not really me. If I have to work, I'd just rather have a job that I leave at 5pm, not one that follows me around as much as the laundry does.
This blog will be a journey of my 30 days. Did I stick with it? That will be the question. I'm not so good at sticking with most of the hair brained ideas that I've had in the past. I'm hoping that answers come, peace is found with the situation and maybe I learn some stuff on the way. You're welcome to come along with me.
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