I think I've worked through my sadness. Like my cousin Erin posted, feelings will start to dissipate once you actually surrender to it. I knew last summer would be the last summer to be home with my kids so I made the very most of it. I tried to enjoy every second of it. But, endings are hard. So, as I came upon my first summer as a working mom, I got very nostalgic of lazy summer days doing just about whatever we wanted. And, didn't we have fun sleeping in and having our weekly 'field trips'?
I do feel like I live in a very 'it is what it is' state of mind, but I notice that I tend to romanticize events in life, that never really turn out like you think they should. Like all the times I plan a family picnic. Do they really turn out as fun as you thought they would? And so I did it again with the last day of school. I don't have many vacation days so I didn't pick this day to take off. Mark and I planned to take the kids to dinner after work to celebrate the beginning of summer and an absolutely fantastic school year. I couldn't wait to get home and see the kids and hear about getting out of school early and the movie they saw with their friends (Thanks Jen!!!) Mark and I planned to meet for dinner at BJ's and get a big ol' Pizookie.
And then I actually picked up my real kids from Jen's house.
Brody immediately asks if Parker can come. Apparently Jen has already told them that they have other plans, but he has to ask again and again and throw in a little whining with it. Once I said no, he's off to pout. No one will put down the itouch/ipad or whatever is mesmerizing them to get up and get their stuff so we can go to dinner. Not to mention that they haven't even said Hello to me. They don't even care that I am there.
Ok...suddenly I'm not so sad anymore. Actual reality sure is different than that picture I had in my head. And by last night, my head felt clearer and it was time to start thinking about what I'm grateful for: We will learn to love the quality of time we spend together, it's not all about quantity. The kids will learn to be a little more responsible. Hopefully! My daughter has seen me be a stay at home mom , a part time working mom and a full time working mom. There is more than one way out there. And whatever decision you make as a mom, no decision has to be a permanent one. The kids will have good memories of their grandparents. I still remember when my grandma stayed with me when I was young. We are so fortunate that my parents can be so involved with our family. And come to think of it, I do remember a lot of whining last summer about having to do chores and hearing "I'm bored" more than I cared to. And there was a lot of "lonely" time in our rooms when we'd had just about enough of each other. So, maybe I over romanticized how awesome last summer was!
I do feel better and I really enjoyed lunch by myself today! Just sitting on a patio in the shade with a breeze and silence was amazing. That was my meditation for today. I've also noticed that once I've spent some time in the quiet, I realize how much constant noise there is. I crave more and more quiet.
And I really really really miss yoga. Not only because I've noticed my clothes getting tighter and tighter in the past few months, but I don't like running outside at 5 am. I don't like going to the dumb gym at 5 am. I'd rather be doing yoga. And trying to find the time to take classes regularly has been very frustrating. During the week, I feel like I should get home every day as soon as possible and the weekends are usually full of activities. In fact, Thursday morning I got up and just did my own yoga class at home. You know, yoga really is like sex. This was great! Why did I wait so long since the last time? But life gets in the way. It's not a priority. Somehow, I've got to figure out how to make it a priority.
No comments:
Post a Comment